Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
