first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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