And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
