i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish life had little blips of pornography
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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