I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize