my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
