Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
