Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
