just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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