I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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