she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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