Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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