I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
