I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
