took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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