Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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