woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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