my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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