Define "chronic" masturbator.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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