he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
