Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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