I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
