Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
