i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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