"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
