Can i not drive my cunt home
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
