an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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