My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
