So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
