I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Is it penis luge time yet?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
