after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
