3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
