If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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