I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
