I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
