Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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