ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
