The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
