The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
