I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
