Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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