Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
