I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Randomize
