she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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