Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
