Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
