do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
