I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize