who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize