I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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