Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
