"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
