I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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