i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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