I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
