I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
