dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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