I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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